Chapter 6: Roman Around

Rome is known as the “Eternal City” and “Capital of the World”. While strolling through its streets, everywhere you look you will see myriad and resplendent reminders of the city’s ancient history, such as tourists eating at a McDonald’s in a 2,000-year-old plaza, tourists eating at a KFC in a 2,000-year-old plaza, and sometimes even – if the late afternoon light is right on a warm summer’s day – tourists eating at a Hard Rock Cafe in a 2,000-year-old plaza. Magical.

Rachel and I arrived in Rome on July 11, unbeknownst to us, the day that football-mad Italy played England in the 2020 UEFA European Football Championship held every four years. As we strolled through our neighborhood in the late afternoon, we kept passing people wearing Italian flags draped across their shoulders, and seeing cars honking their horns displaying red, white, and green streamers. After we figured out what the hell was going on, we found a cafe with an outside TV to watch the game with some locals. Of course, it started at 9 p.m., which is approximately 30 minutes before our usual bedtime, so we obviously didn’t wait up to see the THRILLING 1-1 TIE (broken by penalty kicks; Italy won). I’ll stick with ACC football, thank you.

The next day, we visited the Spanish Steps, connecting the one of the most famous squares in Italy, the Piazza di Spagna, with the church at the top of the nearby hill.

Its construction apparently ended “generations of heated debate” on how to link the two important sites of differing elevations. I guess – after all that time – somebody finally stood up at the town hall and was like “what about STEPS?” and then everyone else was like “Holy shit STEPS that just might work!”

And then someone else said, “Ok but um who will build it?” and the first guy was like “LOL slaves” and then everybody was happy and went off to drink dry red wine and eat unsalted bread and talk with their hands.

Next stop was the Trevi Fountain, whose legend states that if you throw a coin into its waters (with your right hand, over your left shoulder), you will make it back to Rome at some point in your life. Rachel did this when she was a kid and – thanks to this trip – that prophecy was fulfilled.

It is a quite impressive fountain.

I threw a coin in, so on my deathbed I guess I’ll write a blog post detailing whether or not the prognostication came true. Check back here in 10-55 years for the results.

My ultimate reason for going to Rome was to see the Colosseum, where thousands of years ago, as legend has it, Russell Crowe liked to gel his hair and furrow his brow.

Joking aside, it’s pretty freaking cool.

Inside, its floor was (temporarily?) removed, so we could see the secret passages where the gladiators were kept alongside other participants of the elaborate shows, which included Roman soldiers, chariots, tigers, elephants, fire-breathers, unicorns, and leprechauns.

The next day, Rachel and I went on a guided tour of the Vatican Museum, the Sistene Chapel (NO PICTURES NO PICTURES DO NOT EVEN TOUCH YOUR PHONE OR THINK ABOUT THE WORD ‘PICTURE’), and St. Mark’s Basilica. On one hand, it was lovely and historic and awe-inspiring, but on the other hand it was a five-hour tour in July in Rome and none of those places have air-conditioning or allow wearing shorts or short-sleeve shirts or even taking your pants off a little bit.

But I’ve gotta be honest, the Sistene Chapel is one of the most beautiful things I’ve ever seen, and our allotted 20 minutes inside felt like 2. It’s so much to take in; literally every portion of the walls and the ceiling is covered with the most gorgeous paintings you’ve ever seen.

Apparently Michelangelo really didn’t want to take the job (he felt he was more of a sculptor), and was actually suspicious that the project was being offered to him by his enemies as a set-up for an inevitable fall. Freaking MICHELANGELO didn’t think he was a talented painter; I guess imposter syndrome isn’t a new phenomena.

Anyway, by the time we got to St. Mark’s, one of the most important churches in the world, our brains were fried and feet were tired. I snapped a few pictures of the church…

…and Piazza San Marco, the square outside…

…at which point Rachel read me well enough to know that tourist Sam had been wholly replaced by need-a-sandwich Sam.

Luckily, there’s an easy fix for that.

(It’s a sandwich.)